Today's Top 5: Timesaving Tips for the Modern Lady

Don't taint this picturesque ladybrunch!

Park on the other side of the lot and walk instead of going to the gym? Yeah, right.
Make a schedule? Spontaneity is a necessary component of being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
Plan a meal calendar and buy everything in bulk? What do I look like, a mom?

Disregard all the timesaving advice you've read before because it probably doesn't apply to you, you modern lady. Here are some useful, practical tips that will earn you more Netflix time.

1. Do extremely cardio-intensive dance moves in da club.

I've never been in da club because I am underage, but I imagine that they all look like the White Castle with strobe lights that every person on True Life goes to crossed with this Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull video:

Assuming that 90% of people in clubs dance like everyone in that J.Lo video who wasn't J.Lo, they're missing a prime workout opportunity. Stop grinding and doing cool arm moves and start doing more cardio-intensive dance moves like these:

You'll save yourself a hungover trip to the gym tomorrow, and you'll be the life of the kiki.

2. Disregard sidewalk traffic directionals and cross the street regardless of the hand or walking man.

You are a lady. Oncoming traffic will probably stop for you. 

3. Don't go on dates with people you're not at all interested in.

This seems like a no-brainer, but here I am. Did reading He's Just Not That Into You too early in life leave you paranoid? Are you that selfish of a jerk that you're willing to give someone false hope for a free dinner? 

I don't care what your reason is. Do a mud mask. Visit a museum by yourself so you can really digest information about your state's natives. Get yourself to da club (see step 1). Whatever you do, don't go on dates with people you're not at all interested in.

Save your own time, save that hopeful man or fellow lesbian's time, and save time at your weekend ladybrunches for your modern lady friends to talk about their modern lady business. 

4. Pull off the Checkout Line Challenge.

I don't use the word "challenge" lightly, so don't try this unless you have successfully completed many other timesaving maneuvers. This is multiple steps and may take a few tries to pull off. If you can't handle it, just move on to #5. Here you go:

Step 1: Get all of your groceries except for one item.
Step 2: Go to the checkout line and put all your groceries minus that one on the conveyer belt.
Step 3: Say (with surprise/shock/horror) "OH MY GOSH I FORGOT [insert single item you did not pick up before] AND NEED IT!" to the cashier.
Step 4 is slightly out of your control. He or she should say, "It's okay, I'll ring you up while you go get [insert single item you did not pick up before]."
Step 5: Run and get that item.
Step 6: Run back, put that final item on the conveyor belt, hand over your plastic, and buy all your groceries without waiting in line.

Bonus: You'll stop impulse buying Cookies and Cream Hershey bars, which don't exist anywhere outside of checkout lines. BOOM I just saved you money and calories, too.
Disclaimer: You can never go to the same cashier twice again.

5. Be more easily entertained.


Save yourself from having to watch entire episodes of Downton Abbey to relax by lowering your standards for what is fun. For example, I get as much satisfaction from theatrically gesturing to people at intersections as I do watching approximately half an episode of 30 Rock. It's a fun thing I can do for myself while driving home from work, and I've saved 11 minutes later.

So really, it's not that hard to add seconds or even minutes to the amount of time you feel like you have in a day. Adopt these simple steps and have a better life. Just call me Modern Lady Suze Orman.