These Days

There are some songs so perfect that covers just shouldn't be attempted. I had, until yesterday, considered Jackson Browne's "These Days" one of them.

Some "These Days" facts:

Browne wrote it at sixteen! Which means he was crafting this lyrical poetry

I've stopped my dreaming
I won't do too much scheming these days
These days
These days I sit on cornerstones and count the time in quarter tones to ten
Please don't confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

at the same age that I was struggling to make eye contact with people in my Driver's Ed class.

There are three independently famous recordings of the song before the many post-1973 covers.

It was first recorded in 1967 by German model/Andy Warhol muse/sometimes Velvet Underground singer Nico for her album, Chelsea Girl.

Two versions were released in 1973. Browne's friend Gregg Allman recorded an arrangement for his album Laid Back that includes vocal harmonies, modified lyrics, and entirely different instrumentation.

Browne released his recording in '73 as well on For Everyman.

While all of these are independently awesome versions of the song, I'm partial to Nico's--probably because it is featured in one of the greatest movie scenes of all time.

And then the covers! Annie Clark a.k.a. St. Vincent has a gorgeous voice, but her rendition doesn't do anything for me. I feel the same about this Tallest Man on Earth cover. While his voice is perfect on songs he has written, it detracts from the inherent beauty of the song. Due to my disappointment in two of my other favorite artists' versions, I almost didn't click on this cover by Robin Pecknold and Alela Diane…but I am so glad I did.

Their restrained harmonies show such a reverence for the song that I can't help but fall in love with it again. And their high five at the end is almost too precious to handle.

P.S. While Robin Pecknold has been a long-time favorite as lead singer of Fleet Foxes, Alela Diane is a new, welcome addition to my music library. If you want to hear some of her solo work, this recording of Lady Divine is a good place to start :)

Harmonies by Musician Friends

My rad roommate Allie and I had a revelation this weekend: our favorite performances are by musician friends who supplement each others' songs with harmonies. It's not quite a named genre yet, but we LOVE them. Here are some recent favorites:

Re: Stacks by Bon Iver feat. The Staves

I thought this For Emma, Forever Ago classic could not be improved until I heard it this way. If you don't like concert banter, jump to 1:02.

If you like what you hear of The Staves (how could you not?) their debut album is now live-streaming on the Guardian website. It's probably the best way to get a dose of them until their music is accessible stateside. 

New Slang by The Shins feat. Sam Beam (Iron & Wine)

I have accepted the fact that I'll never know all the correct lyrics to this song, but it will always be a favorite. My roommate (she's actually the coolest) discovered this version the other day, and it rivals the original.

On a Good Day by Joanna Newsom feat. Robin Pecknold (Fleet Foxes)

This Have One on Me song is only a minute and a half but packed with killer lyrics. I definitely posted "Will you leave me be so that we can stay true to the path that you have chosen?" as my status in my high school Angsty Lyrics Status Stage multiple times. Don't pretend you were above that. If you're reading this blog, you probably had an ALSS, too.

Now listen to it supplemented by Robin Pecknold's beautiful vocals. Again, skip to 1:13 for a banterless vid.

The illest, right? In case you want to listen to that glorious minute and a half one more time, this is a cover I did of it last year during finals week with--you guessed it--my roommate, Allie.

Yay harmonies, yay musician friends, yay Allie, yay to the resurrection of this blog.

School, Songs, Pics

School has been absolutely magical this year. It's magical even with the incredible amount of work we have to do all the time. The weather's been amazing, my professors are awesome, and everyone came back way nicer than last year. Here are some things I'm really into right now:

First home football game -- Look at that sky! Perfect weather.

That's right. I just enjoyed an athletic event. If you don't know me personally, I think a girl in my Italian class described me perfectly the other day:

Non è pigra ma non è atletica. E non le piace discutere di sport.

Roughly, "She's not lazy, but she's not athletic. And she doesn't like to discuss sports." 

We're currently working with a lot of vocabulary that has to do with sports, and I think the other people in my class/professors are shocked by the fact I literally do not play anything. Not my cup of tea. But there are only so many times I can say, "Preferisco suonare la chitarra. Seriously."

Translated, "I prefer to play the guitar. For realzies."

When I haven't been "enjoying athletic competition"--a phrase one of my male friends uses to mock my behavior at sporting events--I've been listening to these songs on repeat:

Truth by Alexander
Alexander Ebert, lead singer of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, recorded a great album while on hiatus from the band in 2011. He goes back to his aspiring rapper roots in this song.

The Swimming Song by Loudon Wainwright III
Took note of this song while watching old episodes of Parenthood in preparation for the season premiere, WHICH IS TONIGHT, YAY! That show has a stellar soundtrack through and through, and this is a particularly happy little gem.

Johanna Soderberg of First Aid Kit at Lolla this year
I didn't get many good shots because I only saw the end of the set. It's my biggest regret of the festival.

All of First Aid Kit's album The Lion's Roar, but especially
King of the World
which features Conor Oberst (my all-time favorite) and the lyrics,

I'm nobody's baby /

I'm everybody's girl /

I'm the queen of nothing /

I'm the king of the world.

If that doesn't pump you up before classes, I don't know what will.

and Emmylou which is just beautiful and sounds like very old-timey country music.

And other than listening to awesome music, I'm spending time with extra nuggety people right now. I feel like everyone has each other's back so much that even if we're doing potentially stressful things, there's a lower limit to how upset we can be. I know that people say, "If it seems too good to be true…", but I actually think this school has just created a bubble of people who all want to get along and have fun with regular reminders that we're supposed to be using our gifts to help the world. If I had a dollar for every time I heard a version of "to whom much is given, much is expected," I could afford about a week of tuition (thanks, Mom and Dad!). Also I walk around this beautiful campus all the time, so how could I be upset?

This was not intended to be an advertisement for Notre Dame, I just want to give credit where it's due. And to think I didn't plan to go here…

I'm pretty much perfectly happy with everything and who I am. My only regret is that I can't put on my sunglasses with the fluid motion of a much cooler girl because COME ON HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!

Also the new Avett Brothers album comes out today! Go get it!

Today's Top 5

I'm back at school with less time to troll the internet (good and bad--mostly good), but here are some gems from the past few days.

1. My roommates and I are trying to learn this secret Beyonce handshake (not so secret anymore, MUAHAHAHAHA) and make it look half as legit as she does.

So far we haven't been too successful. For more Beyonce gems, check out her Tumblr page!  

2. This new video of the Avett Brothers performing "Live and Die" is making me unbelievably excited for their new album, The Carpenter (released September 11, 2012). From the songs I've heard, I think it has the potential to be some of their best work so far. I just really love them.

Another future classic is "The Once and Future Carpenter":

Also there have been many, many mixed reviews on their appearance in this new Gap commercial:

It's bringing back the age-old "Are you a sell-out, or are you paying for your kids' tuitions?" debate. What do you think?

3. This list of "53 'Arrested Development' Jokes You Probably Missed" makes me wish I had time to watch it all over again. And again. And again. 

My favorites are #4, #9, #32, and #34, but they're all so excellent. And I can't believe I never noticed #49 before!

4. I recently cut my hair a la Margot Tenenbaum,

which I feel mostly great about, but it's quite limiting in the hair style department. Will someone try some of these hair tutorials from Joanna Goddard's blog for me? I love them.

5. Also, I can't look at that scene from the film without hearing this song as recorded by Nico:

which is one of my all-time favorites. Nico herself is also a recent favorite. Her life was so tragic and fascinating. I'm looking for a good biography about her to read after I finish this one about Bob Dylan. Any suggestions?

Happy Wednesday!

Things That Could Make Me Watch Franklin and Bash

To confirm the show Franklin and Bash is as bad as it looks, I just read its Wikipedia page. The first paragraph of the entry includes the phrases

• "unconventional lawyers"
• "The series stars Breckin Meyer and Mark-Paul Gosselaar"
• "'funny legal procedural'"
• "Ally McBeal With Balls"

so I will definitely never watch it…unless the writers adopt one of these ideas:

The show still stars two "unconventional lawyers" named Franklin and Bash, but Franklin is Franklin the Turtle. Possible episode plot: Franklin's friend Snail is delivering the mail, and he can't get the evidence to Franklin in time for an important trial. 

The show still stars two "unconventional lawyers" named Franklin and Bash, but Franklin is Benjamin Franklin. Possible episode plot: A Franklin and Bash case makes it to the Supreme Court. Before the SCOTUS rules something unconstitutional, Benjamin Franklin passionately pleas and cites the fact that his Plan of Union was referenced to write the Constitution. Also there could be a running gimmick about B-Frank thinking powdered wigs are cool, a la the Huxtables' sci-fi author neighbor's love for his toupee in that one episode where he also drove to New Jersey with Theo to buy a lobster. (I think that's the plot. I've already done too much F&B research tonight to cross-reference anything else.)

The show still stars two "unconventional lawyers" named Franklin and Bash, but Franklin is Franklin Delano Bluth, GOB's racist puppet from Arrested Development. Possible episode plot: Everyone called to jury duty is familiar with Franklin's hit song "It Ain't Easy Being White or Brown," so a trial keeps being delayed.

Details and subplots still need to be fleshed out, but these episode ideas have to beat those of seasons one and two. And you can do that work, TNT. I've helped you enough already. Because you may know drama, but I know WAY better Franklins.

Lollapaloozing*

On this one-week anniversary of the first day of Lollapalooza 2012, I am finally ready to talk about it. Here's a bit of what happened.

Heading downtown
The artsiest kid I know liked this picture on Facebook, so I'll probably frame it.

Early Friday in the park 

I saw these bands on Friday:

First Aid Kit

The Growlers

Yellow Ostrich

Dr. Dog

Metric

The Head & the Heart

The Shins

The Black Keys

The Head & the Heart

The Black Keys during Everlasting Light

To sum it up I was so completely blissed out after Day One that the next morning, I was sitting on the sidewalk before breakfast with a mutilated bloody toe and broken bag zipper when someone told me my fly was down, and I felt absolutely zero shame. Then things escalated.

I saw these bands on Saturday:

Delta Spirit

The Tallest Man on Earth

Franz Ferdinand

Bloc Party

Avicii

The Tallest Man on Earth

This guy shortly before being kicked out.

Franz Fredinand was excellent, but the pole climber stole the show.

The afternoon was broken up by a storm (hence the shorter list) but the during-storm time was one of the best parts of the weekend. I was reunited with one of my college roommates,

SO MUCH JOY SO LITTLE POSTURE

and the Tallest Man on Earth tweeted at me. 

Even though this tweet was 100% factual, I know it came from the heart.

I 'm sure he liked my response:

Ode to Lolla Bliss

alas, no shout-out at the show. He was still perfect.

As we left, my male friends got in a fist fight under a bridge defending my friend and me (we're ladiez). Basically some drunk kids started a verbal fight, things escalated, then my malefriend lunged out of nowhere and grabbed a kid by the shirt before he could hit my ladyfriend in the middle of a busy intersection while our other malefriend (my ladyfriend's boyfriend) held off two other guys. It was just like the one fight I saw when I accidentally watched Twilight + (terror) - (CGI) - (werewolves) - (infidelity--looking at you, Kristen Stewart).

THEN we were near our hotel when a drunk lady (Chicago pulled a total Milwaukee this weekend) let two dogs out a door of her building. They took off down the street, and it was a cute Lady and the Tramp moment until we realized that they were about to run into oncoming traffic. We caught them and returned them to their owner, who was not that grateful. I will chalk it up to my mud-covered body and Jenna Maroney-esque expectations. (No parade?!)

On Sunday we saw:

Bombay Bicycle Club

Trampled by Turtles

Sigur Ros

Of Monsters and Men

Florence + The Machine

Bombay Bicycle Club--check out that storm damage

Trampled by Turtles

My view for 90% of Sigur Ros because it's hard to look at things that beautiful directly.

JONSI

Sigur Ros was INCREDIBLE. Everyone was amazing (especially The Head and the Heart, Black Keys, Tallest Man, and Florence), but Sigur Ros was by far the best. It was actually my favorite performance I have ever seen in the history of my life. I've never heard a group live before that was so much better live than recorded. Usually if someone's great live, I think, "Wow, they sound exactly how I hoped they would!" (i.e. Ingrid Michaelson). But Sigur Ros (specifically, Jonsi's voice) is SO MUCH BETTER live than recorded. It sounded like what a whale call must sound like underwater in the best way possible. I realize that doesn't sound too tempting, but trust me. It made me understand why echolocation works. It was a sound so beautiful I just wanted to be as close to it as possible. From the minute they opened with Svefn-g-englar, no one wanted to move. And no one could speak intelligently for so long after it. If you get the chance to see them, DO IT. It's been four years since the last time they were in North America, so it could be a while until you get another chance.

Also my roommate overheard someone ask if it was Sigur Ros or Sugar Ray, which is the second most amazing thing I heard that day.

This was only a tiny snippet of the weekend, but it was ridiculous. In a nutshell, go to Lolla if you get a chance, see Jonsi if you get a chance, don't let the fact you like Elizabeth Olsen misguide you to watch Martha Marcy May Marlene (another story for another time).

*I resisted the urge to make that "Lollapalosing" for YOU. But it will show up in a future "Opportunities Carrie Bradshaw Missed" post. I promise.

Today's Top 5

1. A shout-out to Rob Kardashian for confirming everything we already thought we knew about him in the episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians I'm currently watching ("Sometimes You Need to Adjust, Part Two"). When asked by his mom, Kris Jenner, about his plans for the day, he responded, "Shower, brush my teeth." AMAZING. I'm adding that puppy to my favorite quotes Hall of Fame.

This has also prompted me to create a Reality Kardashian League, which currently consists of just me. The first question is, "When will Rob finally launch his luxury sock line?" With a work ethic like that, I'm putting my money on Resort Wear 2014. Anyone else?

2. Ronnie Fieg

This 29-year-old footwear enthusiast has been in the business since I was in preschool. I'm late to the party, but he designs some of the coolest shoes I have ever seen. 

Limited Edition Ronnie Fieg x Polo Ralph Lauren Cookie Boots, 2009
If anyone is trying to resell a pair of these, please let me know

RF x Sebago Docksides for Men, purchase here

RF x Sebago Abenaki Boots, purchase here
Buying these if I can still justify it post-Lolla.

Check out his blog to see more of his work.

3. I'm going through my Pandora history and mostly laughing at songs I added as favorites. Let us never forget that period of time where I only listened to terrible things. Also, while I'm getting dark musical secrets off my chest, I once told a panel of interviewers all over the age of 60 to listen to the Dirty Projectors. Sue me. However, while scouring through my filthy past, I rediscovered these gems:

• Bless The Telephone by Labi Siffre
• Out of Pawn by Anais Mitchell
• Lilywhite by Cat Stevens

If you're into/interested in freak folk, enjoy! 

4. THIS MISSED CONNECTION


jenny devoe concert.mellow run winery. - m4w - 33

You walked up to me and my girlfriend.and said we where a cute couple.I m black ,my girl is white.hopefully u read this ,then you went back up the deck and waved .

SO MANY THINGS ARE WRONG WITH THIS I LOVE IT. But poor girlfriend :(

5. Tavi Gevinson's TED Talk

This 15-year-old fashion blogger/phenom is the founder of Rookie Mag, an online zine for teenage girls. (Its Ask a Grown Man with Jon Hamm and Judd Apatow videos gained viral popularity earlier this year.)

While the whole talk is awesome, I especially like this golden nugget:

In actuality, women are complicated. Women are multi-faceted; not because women are crazy, but because people are crazy, and women happen to be people.

I wish she went to high school with me. I was so excited to see her on the cover of the NY Times Style Section today, which you can read here. Heck, while I'm at it, #FF @tavitulle. Even though it's Sunday.

What You Missed on CraigsList Missed Connections Today

This is serious stuff and not at all a joke!!!! Proceed with caution!

You didn't read every city's Missed Connections section on CraigsList today? Shame on you! Make time for things like that! In case you missed it, here are some highlights of actual quotes from CraigsList Missed Connections in Dallas, Indianapolis, Philadelphia, and Seattle today.

Dallas


Im in the mood for Starbucks however - m4w* - 34

Im in the mood for Starbucks however Im stuck in the middle of nowhere and I have no way to get to Starbucks. Maybe your in the mood but dont feel like going alone. If you dont mind picking me up, id love to go. Never know you may just find a new coffee buddy. 

I did not think that was the direction the "however" was about to take me.


regular at waffle house? - m4w

Courtney, the new regular knitter. You're gorgeous. Welcome to the awful waffle cast. Im the younger guy of course. Good to meet you. 

Waffle House has regular knitters? Also since they work at the same Waffle House, I feel like this is a blatant Missed Connections foul. When I finally own CraigsList, "younger guy of course" is banned.


SW from SA - w4m** - 40

We sat next to each other on the flight back from business trips. You were starting a new job and we talked pretty much the entire flight. You mentioned that we would do lunch soon.

Just want you to know that I can't wait. What did I look like? 

Really good try with the Missed Connections follow-up, but oh honey : (

Indianapolis


Just looking.... Get at me.... - m4w - 23

I'm looking for ages 18-36 no more than 200lbs not over 5'7 job is a plus drives is a plus own house is a plus but none are neccesories.

Neccesories 2012


Philadelphia


My crop dusting beauty - m4w - 24

You were on the R5 this morning wearing a red dress and you have black hair. On the way off the train I heard you fart and could instantly smell it. You hurried your pace similar to a criminal fleeing the scene of a crime. I was not at all offended by this act and would appreciate it if you get in touch with me. If you work with a woman similar to the description, please forward this to her as I am desperate to get in touch. Type "Lil' Stinker" in subject line if you can help. Thanks. 

This "you farted" tactic is actually quite common. One of my all-time favorite CraigsList Missed Connections posts was entitled "You farted in the bread aisle." However, "Type 'Lil' Stinker' in the subject line" is oddly specific and wonderful.


Seattle

Pretty in Pink - m4w - 36

You pulled up listening to David Bowie, you parked and got out and all I could think was DAAAYAMMM!!! That backend was "ass"tronomical!!!

JUST PHO YOU! - m4w

White pants and heels around 1030...OMG!!! 

Apparently Seattle CraigsList users just discovered puns.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow - w4m

Never have I been so intrigued by an octopus in owl glasses. 

When would that not be intriguing?


Testing Cologne - m4w - 34

I was testing colognes during lunch at the NEX PSNS. As you walked by, I smelled the inside of my elbow and gagged in disgust, which made you laugh. I said something (if you can quote me, I'll know it's you). 

I continued smelling the inside of my elbow for the rest of the day and decided that I prefer it to the scent I sprayed on my wrists. Would like to get your opinion. 

"I continued smelling the inside of my elbow for the rest of the day." THE REST OF THE DAY?! That's way too much inside of the elbow sniffin'!

Since this entire post has been quotes, I feel that closing with one is only appropriate. 

Another day, another thousand missed connections. I wish you a pleasant evening and better morrow full of shameless eye contact with strangers that manifests as an anonymous post on a website. I bid thee adieu.

                             -- William Shakespeare - m4w&mmwweklsaIr***


* This is cool kid vernacular for "man for woman"
** This is cool kid vernacular for "woman for man"
*** This is cool kid vernacular for "man for woman and maybe men will we ever know LOL sonnets am I right?"

On Ingrid Michaelson, Lingerie Shorts, and Intimate Moments with Strangers' Dogs

Ingrid Michaelson talking to a fly on her arm

Here are noteworthy parts of my Tuesday. 

First, there was the conference I helped plan for work. Some highlights:

• The venue looked like the Crossroads Motel from Breaking Bad from the outside. On the inside, it was saloon-themed and covered in tile that most likely came from a McDonald's built in the 1970's. Tile and trellises everywhere. If anyone needs a reception location for a shotgun wedding, I know one that's probably available that day.
• On what was maybe the least stressful day of all time, the woman I was working for kept running around and saying, "Make it work! Like Tim Gunn! We're on Project Runway!" We were not on Project Runway. We were discussing rural wealth with small town mayors.
• My personal computer ended up being used to show PowerPoints. In between every speaker, this picture of DiMaggio (my desktop background) was shown to 200 of my least close friends

This M83 song is the only caption that fits.

Basically a good time might have been had by some. 

After that I changed in my car (in the parking lot of a sketchy motel, I know) into a pair of shorts that my mom said look like lingerie. However, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't attract even the most CraigsList post-y man, and I like them. So armed with Leandra's advice, stories of the two Prom nights I spent babysitting, and eighteen years of success, I vowed not to attract nor talk to anyone who appeared male and wore them. 

No one hits on a girl with a pleather jacket tied around her waist.

Then I drove back to Indianapolis and had time to kill before meeting my friend for Ingrid Michaelson's show. I spent part of it reading Ayn Rand behind a column at a Cajun restaurant and the other part calling my sister from a bench. During that bench time, a cute dog on a walk came over and licked me on the face. At the time I thought it was fine, most likely because I have been desensitized to dog slobber by living with this guy for 3 years:

Precious face-licking dog nugget

Ten minutes later, I realized it is probably not socially acceptable to have intimate moments with strangers' dogs. Five minutes after that, I was pretty okay with it again. That leads me to the questions of the week: How much interaction with a stranger's dog is too much? Is it like a baby where you shouldn't touch it without direct permission? Should you ever let a stranger's dog lick you on the face? Did that dog lick my face because it saw my lingerie shorts?

After I stopped worrying about whether the dog was rabid, I met my friend for one of my favorite concerts I have ever seen (and I go to a lot of shows). She was also wearing pleather.

Pleather galore

Much to no one's surprise and everyone's delight--probably mostly my mom's (Hi, Mom!)--no straight, single men go to Ingrid Michaelson concerts. Although if you are a straight, single, desperate man, going to one of her shows could be the indie equivalent of going to a Twilight premiere.

Her husband, Greg Laswell, opened. Here's a picture of him singing songs.

If you want an idea of what he sounded like while wearing that fedora and playing guitar, listen to this. I was pretty into it. Then he sang with Ingrid, then the opening set ended. 

After that Ingrid's set began. Before she came on, this Ke$ha song played, which surprisingly set the tone for a way more uptempo show than I was expecting. Then Ingrid sang a bunch of songs. Most were from her new album, but she also did amazing covers of Skinny Love by Bon Iver and We Found Love by Rihanna. Her voice is as perfect live as when recorded, and she told great stories in between songs and interacted with the audience a ton. See her live if you ever get a chance.

Ingrid singing this song with Greg Laswell

An added bonus of the show was seeing her bandmates, Allie Moss and Bess Rogers. They're also flawless. I'm a huge Allie Moss fan (check this out), and the two lines of Somewhere Over the Rainbow that she sang would have put Connie Talbot to shame.

Basically the show was perfect, and I successfully did not attract any male attention while wearing the lingerie shorts. It more than made up for my afternoon at the McDonald's motel.

Today's Top 5: Del Rey Monday

Lana Del Rey (from here)

As the one year anniversary of the first time I heard this song approaches, I have decided that I do, in fact, like Lana Del Rey. Here's why:

1. She has mastered the Lucille Bluth wink, which is harder than it looks.

Lana does Lucille
(From here)

2. I don't know what most of the lyrics to her song "National Anthem" mean--"makin' me so wow wow" (?); "hold you like a python" (seems difficult); "Tell me I'm your National Anthem" (LOL wut)--but the music video is so glamorous that I'm sad I missed the opportunity to be half of an interracial couple in the 1960's.

3. When asked about her obvious plastic surgery, she responded, "That's just how I look when I sing," which is the best response to any question ever.

4. Instead of cowering after her notorious SNL performance, she posted it on her own VEVO page: 

I respect her for this. She knows she is "not a showstopper onstage," but she doesn't cop out by lip syncing/"having acid reflux"/being a "studio band" (still love you, Britney/Ashlee/Steely Dan 1975-1993). Props, Lana.

5. The Tumblr Lana Del Rey Dancing would not exist without her.

My favorite gifs posted are Lana Del Rey Dancing in a Microwave, Lana Del Rey Dancing with the Brady Bunch, and the always classic Lana Del Rey Dancing in a Toilet. 

If her beauty and music had not won you over already, hopefully these reasons have. If not, don't worry: there's a whole internet of people who can't wait to hate on her with you. I, however, made my support official today. 

Happy Del Rey Monday!

Today's Top 5: Timesaving Tips for the Modern Lady

Don't taint this picturesque ladybrunch!

Park on the other side of the lot and walk instead of going to the gym? Yeah, right.
Make a schedule? Spontaneity is a necessary component of being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
Plan a meal calendar and buy everything in bulk? What do I look like, a mom?

Disregard all the timesaving advice you've read before because it probably doesn't apply to you, you modern lady. Here are some useful, practical tips that will earn you more Netflix time.

1. Do extremely cardio-intensive dance moves in da club.

I've never been in da club because I am underage, but I imagine that they all look like the White Castle with strobe lights that every person on True Life goes to crossed with this Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull video:

Assuming that 90% of people in clubs dance like everyone in that J.Lo video who wasn't J.Lo, they're missing a prime workout opportunity. Stop grinding and doing cool arm moves and start doing more cardio-intensive dance moves like these:

You'll save yourself a hungover trip to the gym tomorrow, and you'll be the life of the kiki.

2. Disregard sidewalk traffic directionals and cross the street regardless of the hand or walking man.

You are a lady. Oncoming traffic will probably stop for you. 

3. Don't go on dates with people you're not at all interested in.

This seems like a no-brainer, but here I am. Did reading He's Just Not That Into You too early in life leave you paranoid? Are you that selfish of a jerk that you're willing to give someone false hope for a free dinner? 

I don't care what your reason is. Do a mud mask. Visit a museum by yourself so you can really digest information about your state's natives. Get yourself to da club (see step 1). Whatever you do, don't go on dates with people you're not at all interested in.

Save your own time, save that hopeful man or fellow lesbian's time, and save time at your weekend ladybrunches for your modern lady friends to talk about their modern lady business. 

4. Pull off the Checkout Line Challenge.

I don't use the word "challenge" lightly, so don't try this unless you have successfully completed many other timesaving maneuvers. This is multiple steps and may take a few tries to pull off. If you can't handle it, just move on to #5. Here you go:

Step 1: Get all of your groceries except for one item.
Step 2: Go to the checkout line and put all your groceries minus that one on the conveyer belt.
Step 3: Say (with surprise/shock/horror) "OH MY GOSH I FORGOT [insert single item you did not pick up before] AND NEED IT!" to the cashier.
Step 4 is slightly out of your control. He or she should say, "It's okay, I'll ring you up while you go get [insert single item you did not pick up before]."
Step 5: Run and get that item.
Step 6: Run back, put that final item on the conveyor belt, hand over your plastic, and buy all your groceries without waiting in line.

Bonus: You'll stop impulse buying Cookies and Cream Hershey bars, which don't exist anywhere outside of checkout lines. BOOM I just saved you money and calories, too.
Disclaimer: You can never go to the same cashier twice again.

5. Be more easily entertained.


Save yourself from having to watch entire episodes of Downton Abbey to relax by lowering your standards for what is fun. For example, I get as much satisfaction from theatrically gesturing to people at intersections as I do watching approximately half an episode of 30 Rock. It's a fun thing I can do for myself while driving home from work, and I've saved 11 minutes later.

So really, it's not that hard to add seconds or even minutes to the amount of time you feel like you have in a day. Adopt these simple steps and have a better life. Just call me Modern Lady Suze Orman.

Today's Top 5

1. This is an official shout-out to Laura, the middle contestant on Jeopardy tonight. Here's why:

• She dominated the 30 Rock category.
• She won a True Daily Double with the answer "The Natural," then did a celebratory squeal.
• She high-fived her fellow contestant when he got a tough question right at the last second.
• She rocked straight-across bangs.
• She told a sincerely funny story about her goat's death by QuickCrete. 

Laura, if you read this, you may have lost by a narrow margin tonight, but you're the best one-time contestant I have ever seen. If you're looking for a fellow Tina Fey-loving brunette friend, hit me up. Thank you for being a female who is good at Jeopardy and who isn't a crusty-looking librarian.

2. Five songs that are making me smile today:

• The Box by Johnny Flynn
• When I Go by Slow Club
• Oxygen by Willy Mason
• Boat Behind by Kings of Convenience
• All Tomorrow's Parties by The Velvet Underground with Nico

3. This Etsy seller. Just searched "giraffes" and ended up ordering this

sweet vintage giraffe pendant and this

cool skull bracelet because I didn't want the giraffes to be lonely on their long, long trip from China. 

4. One of my sisters and I made up a game today that is rocking my world. First, a note about her: she's really cool and pretty, and she writes for CNN, and she's living in Atlanta right now, and she picks up the phone whenever I call her, so I call her every day on my way home from work (HI, MARIA). 

ANYWAY, the game was born of one of those after-work phone calls. She was at the grocery store when I called, and then all of the sudden she was on her way home, and I had no idea she had checked out or made any shopping progress or anything. SO the game is to do stealthy things that require interaction with other humans without the other person having any idea what it is that you're doing. For example, I went into a Whole Foods I wasn't familiar with, found the gluten-free section, and checked out, and she didn't know I ever left my car. The game also applies to scenarios that are not grocery shopping. I am currently in the lead.

We still need to write concrete rules, but I have set rules for those rules:

1. They must be written using resolution clauses from Model UN. 
2. You get bonus points for wearing a high school Model UN participant's interpretation of  "Western business attire," while playing, which means boxy suits with greasy hair or bandage skirts with Uggs and bleached hair. Either way, 10 points Gryffindor. 

5. A new NPR Tiny Desk concert of Laura Marling was uploaded today! (Today's been a big day for people named Laura and me.) She is the coolest, and she ends her set with "Sophia," which is one of my favorite of her songs. She's also wearing an amazing ring in it. If you watch it today, you'll be one of the hippest kids on YouTube. Or, as this guy commented,

Being one of the first people to see a video like this with such a beautiful performer feels sort of like waking up when it's been snowing and seeing that your footprints are the only thing in the world.

(better than F1RST lol, huh?)

I live for people who take the YouTube comment section seriously. Also CraigsList.

Have a nice Friday!