Today's Top 5

I'm back at school with less time to troll the internet (good and bad--mostly good), but here are some gems from the past few days.

1. My roommates and I are trying to learn this secret Beyonce handshake (not so secret anymore, MUAHAHAHAHA) and make it look half as legit as she does.

So far we haven't been too successful. For more Beyonce gems, check out her Tumblr page!  

2. This new video of the Avett Brothers performing "Live and Die" is making me unbelievably excited for their new album, The Carpenter (released September 11, 2012). From the songs I've heard, I think it has the potential to be some of their best work so far. I just really love them.

Another future classic is "The Once and Future Carpenter":

Also there have been many, many mixed reviews on their appearance in this new Gap commercial:

It's bringing back the age-old "Are you a sell-out, or are you paying for your kids' tuitions?" debate. What do you think?

3. This list of "53 'Arrested Development' Jokes You Probably Missed" makes me wish I had time to watch it all over again. And again. And again. 

My favorites are #4, #9, #32, and #34, but they're all so excellent. And I can't believe I never noticed #49 before!

4. I recently cut my hair a la Margot Tenenbaum,

which I feel mostly great about, but it's quite limiting in the hair style department. Will someone try some of these hair tutorials from Joanna Goddard's blog for me? I love them.

5. Also, I can't look at that scene from the film without hearing this song as recorded by Nico:

which is one of my all-time favorites. Nico herself is also a recent favorite. Her life was so tragic and fascinating. I'm looking for a good biography about her to read after I finish this one about Bob Dylan. Any suggestions?

Happy Wednesday!

Things That Could Make Me Watch Franklin and Bash

To confirm the show Franklin and Bash is as bad as it looks, I just read its Wikipedia page. The first paragraph of the entry includes the phrases

• "unconventional lawyers"
• "The series stars Breckin Meyer and Mark-Paul Gosselaar"
• "'funny legal procedural'"
• "Ally McBeal With Balls"

so I will definitely never watch it…unless the writers adopt one of these ideas:

The show still stars two "unconventional lawyers" named Franklin and Bash, but Franklin is Franklin the Turtle. Possible episode plot: Franklin's friend Snail is delivering the mail, and he can't get the evidence to Franklin in time for an important trial. 

The show still stars two "unconventional lawyers" named Franklin and Bash, but Franklin is Benjamin Franklin. Possible episode plot: A Franklin and Bash case makes it to the Supreme Court. Before the SCOTUS rules something unconstitutional, Benjamin Franklin passionately pleas and cites the fact that his Plan of Union was referenced to write the Constitution. Also there could be a running gimmick about B-Frank thinking powdered wigs are cool, a la the Huxtables' sci-fi author neighbor's love for his toupee in that one episode where he also drove to New Jersey with Theo to buy a lobster. (I think that's the plot. I've already done too much F&B research tonight to cross-reference anything else.)

The show still stars two "unconventional lawyers" named Franklin and Bash, but Franklin is Franklin Delano Bluth, GOB's racist puppet from Arrested Development. Possible episode plot: Everyone called to jury duty is familiar with Franklin's hit song "It Ain't Easy Being White or Brown," so a trial keeps being delayed.

Details and subplots still need to be fleshed out, but these episode ideas have to beat those of seasons one and two. And you can do that work, TNT. I've helped you enough already. Because you may know drama, but I know WAY better Franklins.

Lollapaloozing*

On this one-week anniversary of the first day of Lollapalooza 2012, I am finally ready to talk about it. Here's a bit of what happened.

Heading downtown
The artsiest kid I know liked this picture on Facebook, so I'll probably frame it.

Early Friday in the park 

I saw these bands on Friday:

First Aid Kit

The Growlers

Yellow Ostrich

Dr. Dog

Metric

The Head & the Heart

The Shins

The Black Keys

The Head & the Heart

The Black Keys during Everlasting Light

To sum it up I was so completely blissed out after Day One that the next morning, I was sitting on the sidewalk before breakfast with a mutilated bloody toe and broken bag zipper when someone told me my fly was down, and I felt absolutely zero shame. Then things escalated.

I saw these bands on Saturday:

Delta Spirit

The Tallest Man on Earth

Franz Ferdinand

Bloc Party

Avicii

The Tallest Man on Earth

This guy shortly before being kicked out.

Franz Fredinand was excellent, but the pole climber stole the show.

The afternoon was broken up by a storm (hence the shorter list) but the during-storm time was one of the best parts of the weekend. I was reunited with one of my college roommates,

SO MUCH JOY SO LITTLE POSTURE

and the Tallest Man on Earth tweeted at me. 

Even though this tweet was 100% factual, I know it came from the heart.

I 'm sure he liked my response:

Ode to Lolla Bliss

alas, no shout-out at the show. He was still perfect.

As we left, my male friends got in a fist fight under a bridge defending my friend and me (we're ladiez). Basically some drunk kids started a verbal fight, things escalated, then my malefriend lunged out of nowhere and grabbed a kid by the shirt before he could hit my ladyfriend in the middle of a busy intersection while our other malefriend (my ladyfriend's boyfriend) held off two other guys. It was just like the one fight I saw when I accidentally watched Twilight + (terror) - (CGI) - (werewolves) - (infidelity--looking at you, Kristen Stewart).

THEN we were near our hotel when a drunk lady (Chicago pulled a total Milwaukee this weekend) let two dogs out a door of her building. They took off down the street, and it was a cute Lady and the Tramp moment until we realized that they were about to run into oncoming traffic. We caught them and returned them to their owner, who was not that grateful. I will chalk it up to my mud-covered body and Jenna Maroney-esque expectations. (No parade?!)

On Sunday we saw:

Bombay Bicycle Club

Trampled by Turtles

Sigur Ros

Of Monsters and Men

Florence + The Machine

Bombay Bicycle Club--check out that storm damage

Trampled by Turtles

My view for 90% of Sigur Ros because it's hard to look at things that beautiful directly.

JONSI

Sigur Ros was INCREDIBLE. Everyone was amazing (especially The Head and the Heart, Black Keys, Tallest Man, and Florence), but Sigur Ros was by far the best. It was actually my favorite performance I have ever seen in the history of my life. I've never heard a group live before that was so much better live than recorded. Usually if someone's great live, I think, "Wow, they sound exactly how I hoped they would!" (i.e. Ingrid Michaelson). But Sigur Ros (specifically, Jonsi's voice) is SO MUCH BETTER live than recorded. It sounded like what a whale call must sound like underwater in the best way possible. I realize that doesn't sound too tempting, but trust me. It made me understand why echolocation works. It was a sound so beautiful I just wanted to be as close to it as possible. From the minute they opened with Svefn-g-englar, no one wanted to move. And no one could speak intelligently for so long after it. If you get the chance to see them, DO IT. It's been four years since the last time they were in North America, so it could be a while until you get another chance.

Also my roommate overheard someone ask if it was Sigur Ros or Sugar Ray, which is the second most amazing thing I heard that day.

This was only a tiny snippet of the weekend, but it was ridiculous. In a nutshell, go to Lolla if you get a chance, see Jonsi if you get a chance, don't let the fact you like Elizabeth Olsen misguide you to watch Martha Marcy May Marlene (another story for another time).

*I resisted the urge to make that "Lollapalosing" for YOU. But it will show up in a future "Opportunities Carrie Bradshaw Missed" post. I promise.

Today's Top 5

1. A shout-out to Rob Kardashian for confirming everything we already thought we knew about him in the episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians I'm currently watching ("Sometimes You Need to Adjust, Part Two"). When asked by his mom, Kris Jenner, about his plans for the day, he responded, "Shower, brush my teeth." AMAZING. I'm adding that puppy to my favorite quotes Hall of Fame.

This has also prompted me to create a Reality Kardashian League, which currently consists of just me. The first question is, "When will Rob finally launch his luxury sock line?" With a work ethic like that, I'm putting my money on Resort Wear 2014. Anyone else?

2. Ronnie Fieg

This 29-year-old footwear enthusiast has been in the business since I was in preschool. I'm late to the party, but he designs some of the coolest shoes I have ever seen. 

Limited Edition Ronnie Fieg x Polo Ralph Lauren Cookie Boots, 2009
If anyone is trying to resell a pair of these, please let me know

RF x Sebago Docksides for Men, purchase here

RF x Sebago Abenaki Boots, purchase here
Buying these if I can still justify it post-Lolla.

Check out his blog to see more of his work.

3. I'm going through my Pandora history and mostly laughing at songs I added as favorites. Let us never forget that period of time where I only listened to terrible things. Also, while I'm getting dark musical secrets off my chest, I once told a panel of interviewers all over the age of 60 to listen to the Dirty Projectors. Sue me. However, while scouring through my filthy past, I rediscovered these gems:

• Bless The Telephone by Labi Siffre
• Out of Pawn by Anais Mitchell
• Lilywhite by Cat Stevens

If you're into/interested in freak folk, enjoy! 

4. THIS MISSED CONNECTION


jenny devoe concert.mellow run winery. - m4w - 33

You walked up to me and my girlfriend.and said we where a cute couple.I m black ,my girl is white.hopefully u read this ,then you went back up the deck and waved .

SO MANY THINGS ARE WRONG WITH THIS I LOVE IT. But poor girlfriend :(

5. Tavi Gevinson's TED Talk

This 15-year-old fashion blogger/phenom is the founder of Rookie Mag, an online zine for teenage girls. (Its Ask a Grown Man with Jon Hamm and Judd Apatow videos gained viral popularity earlier this year.)

While the whole talk is awesome, I especially like this golden nugget:

In actuality, women are complicated. Women are multi-faceted; not because women are crazy, but because people are crazy, and women happen to be people.

I wish she went to high school with me. I was so excited to see her on the cover of the NY Times Style Section today, which you can read here. Heck, while I'm at it, #FF @tavitulle. Even though it's Sunday.

What You Missed on CraigsList Missed Connections Today

This is serious stuff and not at all a joke!!!! Proceed with caution!

You didn't read every city's Missed Connections section on CraigsList today? Shame on you! Make time for things like that! In case you missed it, here are some highlights of actual quotes from CraigsList Missed Connections in Dallas, Indianapolis, Philadelphia, and Seattle today.

Dallas


Im in the mood for Starbucks however - m4w* - 34

Im in the mood for Starbucks however Im stuck in the middle of nowhere and I have no way to get to Starbucks. Maybe your in the mood but dont feel like going alone. If you dont mind picking me up, id love to go. Never know you may just find a new coffee buddy. 

I did not think that was the direction the "however" was about to take me.


regular at waffle house? - m4w

Courtney, the new regular knitter. You're gorgeous. Welcome to the awful waffle cast. Im the younger guy of course. Good to meet you. 

Waffle House has regular knitters? Also since they work at the same Waffle House, I feel like this is a blatant Missed Connections foul. When I finally own CraigsList, "younger guy of course" is banned.


SW from SA - w4m** - 40

We sat next to each other on the flight back from business trips. You were starting a new job and we talked pretty much the entire flight. You mentioned that we would do lunch soon.

Just want you to know that I can't wait. What did I look like? 

Really good try with the Missed Connections follow-up, but oh honey : (

Indianapolis


Just looking.... Get at me.... - m4w - 23

I'm looking for ages 18-36 no more than 200lbs not over 5'7 job is a plus drives is a plus own house is a plus but none are neccesories.

Neccesories 2012


Philadelphia


My crop dusting beauty - m4w - 24

You were on the R5 this morning wearing a red dress and you have black hair. On the way off the train I heard you fart and could instantly smell it. You hurried your pace similar to a criminal fleeing the scene of a crime. I was not at all offended by this act and would appreciate it if you get in touch with me. If you work with a woman similar to the description, please forward this to her as I am desperate to get in touch. Type "Lil' Stinker" in subject line if you can help. Thanks. 

This "you farted" tactic is actually quite common. One of my all-time favorite CraigsList Missed Connections posts was entitled "You farted in the bread aisle." However, "Type 'Lil' Stinker' in the subject line" is oddly specific and wonderful.


Seattle

Pretty in Pink - m4w - 36

You pulled up listening to David Bowie, you parked and got out and all I could think was DAAAYAMMM!!! That backend was "ass"tronomical!!!

JUST PHO YOU! - m4w

White pants and heels around 1030...OMG!!! 

Apparently Seattle CraigsList users just discovered puns.

Hair today, Gone tomorrow - w4m

Never have I been so intrigued by an octopus in owl glasses. 

When would that not be intriguing?


Testing Cologne - m4w - 34

I was testing colognes during lunch at the NEX PSNS. As you walked by, I smelled the inside of my elbow and gagged in disgust, which made you laugh. I said something (if you can quote me, I'll know it's you). 

I continued smelling the inside of my elbow for the rest of the day and decided that I prefer it to the scent I sprayed on my wrists. Would like to get your opinion. 

"I continued smelling the inside of my elbow for the rest of the day." THE REST OF THE DAY?! That's way too much inside of the elbow sniffin'!

Since this entire post has been quotes, I feel that closing with one is only appropriate. 

Another day, another thousand missed connections. I wish you a pleasant evening and better morrow full of shameless eye contact with strangers that manifests as an anonymous post on a website. I bid thee adieu.

                             -- William Shakespeare - m4w&mmwweklsaIr***


* This is cool kid vernacular for "man for woman"
** This is cool kid vernacular for "woman for man"
*** This is cool kid vernacular for "man for woman and maybe men will we ever know LOL sonnets am I right?"

On Ingrid Michaelson, Lingerie Shorts, and Intimate Moments with Strangers' Dogs

Ingrid Michaelson talking to a fly on her arm

Here are noteworthy parts of my Tuesday. 

First, there was the conference I helped plan for work. Some highlights:

• The venue looked like the Crossroads Motel from Breaking Bad from the outside. On the inside, it was saloon-themed and covered in tile that most likely came from a McDonald's built in the 1970's. Tile and trellises everywhere. If anyone needs a reception location for a shotgun wedding, I know one that's probably available that day.
• On what was maybe the least stressful day of all time, the woman I was working for kept running around and saying, "Make it work! Like Tim Gunn! We're on Project Runway!" We were not on Project Runway. We were discussing rural wealth with small town mayors.
• My personal computer ended up being used to show PowerPoints. In between every speaker, this picture of DiMaggio (my desktop background) was shown to 200 of my least close friends

This M83 song is the only caption that fits.

Basically a good time might have been had by some. 

After that I changed in my car (in the parking lot of a sketchy motel, I know) into a pair of shorts that my mom said look like lingerie. However, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't attract even the most CraigsList post-y man, and I like them. So armed with Leandra's advice, stories of the two Prom nights I spent babysitting, and eighteen years of success, I vowed not to attract nor talk to anyone who appeared male and wore them. 

No one hits on a girl with a pleather jacket tied around her waist.

Then I drove back to Indianapolis and had time to kill before meeting my friend for Ingrid Michaelson's show. I spent part of it reading Ayn Rand behind a column at a Cajun restaurant and the other part calling my sister from a bench. During that bench time, a cute dog on a walk came over and licked me on the face. At the time I thought it was fine, most likely because I have been desensitized to dog slobber by living with this guy for 3 years:

Precious face-licking dog nugget

Ten minutes later, I realized it is probably not socially acceptable to have intimate moments with strangers' dogs. Five minutes after that, I was pretty okay with it again. That leads me to the questions of the week: How much interaction with a stranger's dog is too much? Is it like a baby where you shouldn't touch it without direct permission? Should you ever let a stranger's dog lick you on the face? Did that dog lick my face because it saw my lingerie shorts?

After I stopped worrying about whether the dog was rabid, I met my friend for one of my favorite concerts I have ever seen (and I go to a lot of shows). She was also wearing pleather.

Pleather galore

Much to no one's surprise and everyone's delight--probably mostly my mom's (Hi, Mom!)--no straight, single men go to Ingrid Michaelson concerts. Although if you are a straight, single, desperate man, going to one of her shows could be the indie equivalent of going to a Twilight premiere.

Her husband, Greg Laswell, opened. Here's a picture of him singing songs.

If you want an idea of what he sounded like while wearing that fedora and playing guitar, listen to this. I was pretty into it. Then he sang with Ingrid, then the opening set ended. 

After that Ingrid's set began. Before she came on, this Ke$ha song played, which surprisingly set the tone for a way more uptempo show than I was expecting. Then Ingrid sang a bunch of songs. Most were from her new album, but she also did amazing covers of Skinny Love by Bon Iver and We Found Love by Rihanna. Her voice is as perfect live as when recorded, and she told great stories in between songs and interacted with the audience a ton. See her live if you ever get a chance.

Ingrid singing this song with Greg Laswell

An added bonus of the show was seeing her bandmates, Allie Moss and Bess Rogers. They're also flawless. I'm a huge Allie Moss fan (check this out), and the two lines of Somewhere Over the Rainbow that she sang would have put Connie Talbot to shame.

Basically the show was perfect, and I successfully did not attract any male attention while wearing the lingerie shorts. It more than made up for my afternoon at the McDonald's motel.

Today's Top 5: Del Rey Monday

Lana Del Rey (from here)

As the one year anniversary of the first time I heard this song approaches, I have decided that I do, in fact, like Lana Del Rey. Here's why:

1. She has mastered the Lucille Bluth wink, which is harder than it looks.

Lana does Lucille
(From here)

2. I don't know what most of the lyrics to her song "National Anthem" mean--"makin' me so wow wow" (?); "hold you like a python" (seems difficult); "Tell me I'm your National Anthem" (LOL wut)--but the music video is so glamorous that I'm sad I missed the opportunity to be half of an interracial couple in the 1960's.

3. When asked about her obvious plastic surgery, she responded, "That's just how I look when I sing," which is the best response to any question ever.

4. Instead of cowering after her notorious SNL performance, she posted it on her own VEVO page: 

I respect her for this. She knows she is "not a showstopper onstage," but she doesn't cop out by lip syncing/"having acid reflux"/being a "studio band" (still love you, Britney/Ashlee/Steely Dan 1975-1993). Props, Lana.

5. The Tumblr Lana Del Rey Dancing would not exist without her.

My favorite gifs posted are Lana Del Rey Dancing in a Microwave, Lana Del Rey Dancing with the Brady Bunch, and the always classic Lana Del Rey Dancing in a Toilet. 

If her beauty and music had not won you over already, hopefully these reasons have. If not, don't worry: there's a whole internet of people who can't wait to hate on her with you. I, however, made my support official today. 

Happy Del Rey Monday!